Postman Patel
Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Having had such a close physical and spiritual attachment to Lady Diana, (and indeed some shared antecedents) Lord Patel has never been able to steel himself to share the grief and anguish of such a transparently good man and her future Father in Law as Mr al Fayed.

Clutching some of the more intimate mementos of our relationship, bravely but briefly stifling a tear, sniffing and sobbing, it was as much as he could do to watch the Panorama Special tonight about her murder by the Secret Services of France and the UK on behalf of the Royal Family and the Illuminati.

Grief however broke into joy some 20 minutes into the programme when it was revealed that 11 CCTV cameras covering the path of the speeding car, driven by the drugged, drunk driver , including those outside the Ministry of Defence, Place de la Concorde etc., were switched off @ 9 pm.

Evidence, if required , that the perfidious French had stolen a march on their traditional foes and started on their covert plan of energy saving - cutting both carbon emissions, costs and laying the sound policy foundations that 1,000's of hours of CCTV fillums only serve to confuse any Police enquiries when pursuing sensational murder enquiries.

Yet again the land of super sleuths, Hercule Poirot, Georges Simenon and Professor Moriarty have led the way - for the Met's finest to follow in their footsteps ... belatedly.

Evidently we need more CCTV cameras to prove Lord Patel's First Law of Televisual Surveillance

Evidence (E)discovered by CCTV cameras is in inverse proportion to the number of cameras installed. E tends to infinity in all cases. The length of time (T) to disclose that CCTV cameras are, not working, switched off, faulty, have been stolen, whose recorders are faulty, have not been loaded or the tapes overwritten or hard drives accidentally erased / stolen can usually be measured in at least months and can take for ever. (T) tends to infinity in all cases.

Lord Patel's Second Law of Televisual Surveillance Part A

CCTV cameras will only work effectively when trained on a car with two occupants (or in certain cases more) of the opposite (or in certain cases the same) sex involved in extensive, vigorous, loud, noisy (preferably unclothed) sexual activity.

Lord Patel's Second Law of Televisual Surveillance Part B

Such CCTV evidence is usually available in the pub down the road, and in the Station canteen, usually in hours - and on the web minutes after. eg http://www.doggers-schaak.nl/

Vive La Belle France.